Happy First Day Of 2010! On Loneliness.

It is the beginning of a new year – indeed the new decade – and it is only fitting that today is the day I start my resolution to keep a blog. I’m not sure yet for what purpose. Musings. On. My fascinating life.

It’s snowing here in Toronto. Today the streets are sleepy. Quiet and warm. I am drinking coffee by myself and reflecting on loneliness verses being alone.

Last night I celebrated the turning of the decade by myself. I hadn’t meant to spend the evening alone, but I was out of town staying in a cabin for a few days sans phone or electricity and by the time I got back to the city there wasn’t time or friends around to make plans. My housemate has recently found love so I never see him. Apparently his girlfriend’s house holds heat a lot better than our place.

When you’re a single girl in the city, there’s no company-by-default when it comes to the holidays. You need to make plans in advance. Okay I’ve been kissing someone, but he and I agree, it is not a *relationship*. And he already had plans for New Year’s Eve sans me.

If I were to be honest  (and why not be – I’m writing a personal blog that could potentially be read by thousands upon thousands of people, why not spill my inner most secrets?) I have been feeling flaky this holiday and maybe even a little curmudgeonly, and I considered staying in watching movies or playing guitar by myself, maybe with a nice bottle of red in order to nurture my loneliness.

Turns out, though, I am ever social when it comes to the holidays. Despite my best efforts, around 11pm I ventured out. First I popped by Mitzi’s Sister, my local pub since my move to Parkdale last month. The Warped 45s were there giving a spirited, yet mellow hearkening to midnight. It was good to be among some familiar faces and snuggle into a few hugs at the countdown. And, I loved the music; they’re the sweetest guys, that band.

About half twelve, I hopped on the TTC (free!) and headed over to Lee’s palace to catch the tail end of another live music party. There I was greeted by a gregarious chorus of people banging cookie trays with wooden spoons as Elliot Brood rocked out the first hours of the new year. The band played amid a dazzling display of lo-fi lights including a giant “20” and “10”, which backlit the band. They were awesome and energetic, and I even danced a little.

After the show I grabbed the TTC (still free!), which by this time was packed to the gills with New Year’s Eve revelers singing Auld Lang Syne and chattering drunkenly, loudly. I smiled a lot, made eye contact with happy groups of people, but spoke to no one/no one spoke to me. I stopped en route to grab a slice of pizza before heading back home. These were the poignant moments when I most remembered I was lonely.

The night was a curious juxtaposition of being alone surrounded by hundreds of people. I wonder if my choice to be single-minded in my pursuit of art has doomed me to a life of aloneness / loneliness. I also wonder if I am odd and that is why I am alone. I wonder if we all wonder this, whether single or ensconced in relationships.



Filed under Short Essays, Writing

4 responses to “Happy First Day Of 2010! On Loneliness.

  1. David Flack

    Your blog is fantastic, for me to hear about these things from one of my most admired singer/songwriters. With most artists that I like, I’d have no idea what they’re doing or thinking. But I would like to know, to maintain some sort of connection that goes beyond the concert dates. I hope you keep this up. I met you in Maynooth earlier this year and am listening to your two CDs a lot. I’m really obsessed with the song “Be My Girl” in that I’m trying to learn how to play it on my guitar. I lived at Middle Earth on Mink Lake Road for over a year which is next to Rocky’s place. I think you may know him. Hope we cross paths again in the New Year. All the best…Dave

  2. Daniel

    There’s a strange dischordance when I read about your loneliness because I feel like you’re with us (my family) every time we listen to your music. Sky Was Falling has been on autorepeat for over two months now…so it’s like we’ve had a house and car guest for just as long – and you’re always welcome as our guest.
    I wonder if TV, radio, movie personalities get the same way: we in the public feel like we know them (or their characters) – to the point where we can approach them on the street in a familiar way – only to realize that they don’t know us in the same way….as it happened when I blushed after saying hi to Margaret Atwood.
    I’m sorry there’s an imbalance in how much you have shared of yourself and how much you know about me – and the rest of your audience.
    Enjoy your coffee…I am (triple espresso off the stovetop with a dash of hot milk and a spoonful of brown sugar).

  3. this is a great entry. reminds me of nye 2001 – wandered the streets, rang it in alone, something about that.

    i think we do all wonder these things.
    and i think that loneliness is a byproduct of urban living.

    and i also think i love your blog, so bring it on!


  4. I’m touched by your comments. Thanks!
    *mmm* ~ sippin’ coffee.

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