Happy First Day Of 2010! On Loneliness.

It is the beginning of a new year – indeed the new decade – and it is only fitting that today is the day I start my resolution to keep a blog. I’m not sure yet for what purpose. Musings. On. My fascinating life.

It’s snowing here in Toronto. Today the streets are sleepy. Quiet and warm. I am drinking coffee by myself and reflecting on loneliness verses being alone.

Last night I celebrated the turning of the decade by myself. I hadn’t meant to spend the evening alone, but I was out of town staying in a cabin for a few days sans phone or electricity and by the time I got back to the city there wasn’t time or friends around to make plans. My housemate has recently found love so I never see him. Apparently his girlfriend’s house holds heat a lot better than our place.

When you’re a single girl in the city, there’s no company-by-default when it comes to the holidays. You need to make plans in advance. Okay I’ve been kissing someone, but he and I agree, it is not a *relationship*. And he already had plans for New Year’s Eve sans me.

If I were to be honest  (and why not be – I’m writing a personal blog that could potentially be read by thousands upon thousands of people, why not spill my inner most secrets?) I have been feeling flaky this holiday and maybe even a little curmudgeonly, and I considered staying in watching movies or playing guitar by myself, maybe with a nice bottle of red in order to nurture my loneliness.

Turns out, though, I am ever social when it comes to the holidays. Despite my best efforts, around 11pm I ventured out. First I popped by Mitzi’s Sister, my local pub since my move to Parkdale last month. The Warped 45s were there giving a spirited, yet mellow hearkening to midnight. It was good to be among some familiar faces and snuggle into a few hugs at the countdown. And, I loved the music; they’re the sweetest guys, that band.

About half twelve, I hopped on the TTC (free!) and headed over to Lee’s palace to catch the tail end of another live music party. There I was greeted by a gregarious chorus of people banging cookie trays with wooden spoons as Elliot Brood rocked out the first hours of the new year. The band played amid a dazzling display of lo-fi lights including a giant “20” and “10”, which backlit the band. They were awesome and energetic, and I even danced a little.

After the show I grabbed the TTC (still free!), which by this time was packed to the gills with New Year’s Eve revelers singing Auld Lang Syne and chattering drunkenly, loudly. I smiled a lot, made eye contact with happy groups of people, but spoke to no one/no one spoke to me. I stopped en route to grab a slice of pizza before heading back home. These were the poignant moments when I most remembered I was lonely.

The night was a curious juxtaposition of being alone surrounded by hundreds of people. I wonder if my choice to be single-minded in my pursuit of art has doomed me to a life of aloneness / loneliness. I also wonder if I am odd and that is why I am alone. I wonder if we all wonder this, whether single or ensconced in relationships.

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4 Comments

Filed under Short Essays, Writing

4 responses to “Happy First Day Of 2010! On Loneliness.

  1. David Flack

    Karyn
    Your blog is fantastic, for me to hear about these things from one of my most admired singer/songwriters. With most artists that I like, I’d have no idea what they’re doing or thinking. But I would like to know, to maintain some sort of connection that goes beyond the concert dates. I hope you keep this up. I met you in Maynooth earlier this year and am listening to your two CDs a lot. I’m really obsessed with the song “Be My Girl” in that I’m trying to learn how to play it on my guitar. I lived at Middle Earth on Mink Lake Road for over a year which is next to Rocky’s place. I think you may know him. Hope we cross paths again in the New Year. All the best…Dave

  2. Daniel

    Karyn
    There’s a strange dischordance when I read about your loneliness because I feel like you’re with us (my family) every time we listen to your music. Sky Was Falling has been on autorepeat for over two months now…so it’s like we’ve had a house and car guest for just as long – and you’re always welcome as our guest.
    I wonder if TV, radio, movie personalities get the same way: we in the public feel like we know them (or their characters) – to the point where we can approach them on the street in a familiar way – only to realize that they don’t know us in the same way….as it happened when I blushed after saying hi to Margaret Atwood.
    I’m sorry there’s an imbalance in how much you have shared of yourself and how much you know about me – and the rest of your audience.
    Enjoy your coffee…I am (triple espresso off the stovetop with a dash of hot milk and a spoonful of brown sugar).

  3. this is a great entry. reminds me of nye 2001 – wandered the streets, rang it in alone, something about that.

    i think we do all wonder these things.
    and i think that loneliness is a byproduct of urban living.

    and i also think i love your blog, so bring it on!

    treasa

  4. I’m touched by your comments. Thanks!
    *mmm* ~ sippin’ coffee.

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