It is the beginning of a new year – indeed the new decade – and it is only fitting that today is the day I start my resolution to keep a blog. I’m not sure yet for what purpose. Musings. On. My fascinating life.
It’s snowing here in Toronto. Today the streets are sleepy. Quiet and warm. I am drinking coffee by myself and reflecting on loneliness verses being alone.
Last night I celebrated the turning of the decade by myself. I hadn’t meant to spend the evening alone, but I was out of town staying in a cabin for a few days sans phone or electricity and by the time I got back to the city there wasn’t time or friends around to make plans. My housemate has recently found love so I never see him. Apparently his girlfriend’s house holds heat a lot better than our place.
When you’re a single girl in the city, there’s no company-by-default when it comes to the holidays. You need to make plans in advance. Okay I’ve been kissing someone, but he and I agree, it is not a *relationship*. And he already had plans for New Year’s Eve sans me.
If I were to be honest (and why not be – I’m writing a personal blog that could potentially be read by thousands upon thousands of people, why not spill my inner most secrets?) I have been feeling flaky this holiday and maybe even a little curmudgeonly, and I considered staying in watching movies or playing guitar by myself, maybe with a nice bottle of red in order to nurture my loneliness.
Turns out, though, I am ever social when it comes to the holidays. Despite my best efforts, around 11pm I ventured out. First I popped by Mitzi’s Sister, my local pub since my move to Parkdale last month. The Warped 45s were there giving a spirited, yet mellow hearkening to midnight. It was good to be among some familiar faces and snuggle into a few hugs at the countdown. And, I loved the music; they’re the sweetest guys, that band.
About half twelve, I hopped on the TTC (free!) and headed over to Lee’s palace to catch the tail end of another live music party. There I was greeted by a gregarious chorus of people banging cookie trays with wooden spoons as Elliot Brood rocked out the first hours of the new year. The band played amid a dazzling display of lo-fi lights including a giant “20” and “10”, which backlit the band. They were awesome and energetic, and I even danced a little.
After the show I grabbed the TTC (still free!), which by this time was packed to the gills with New Year’s Eve revelers singing Auld Lang Syne and chattering drunkenly, loudly. I smiled a lot, made eye contact with happy groups of people, but spoke to no one/no one spoke to me. I stopped en route to grab a slice of pizza before heading back home. These were the poignant moments when I most remembered I was lonely.
The night was a curious juxtaposition of being alone surrounded by hundreds of people. I wonder if my choice to be single-minded in my pursuit of art has doomed me to a life of aloneness / loneliness. I also wonder if I am odd and that is why I am alone. I wonder if we all wonder this, whether single or ensconced in relationships.